Crazy Diet Dreams
I'm sure you know that I spend a lot of my time clearing up misconceptions about diet, what's really healthy and what foods are best. I make it a policy to tell my clients that I have always subscribed to the idea that everything in moderation is the best overall philosophy for healthy eating. Now I often dream of sitting and chatting with clients, answering questions and giving advice. In fact, that's how I often come up with ideas and solutions that I might not have thought of when I was actually face to face with a client. Now granted, some of the advice I've given in dreams is really out there, but after all it's only a dream, so I can ignore the insane advice, and just go with the great advice. So the other night I dreamed that I was on a radio show being interviewed and the interviewer was asking me some very general health questions, and I got quite a kick out of giving fairly insane, but imaginative responses. It went something like this:
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat: Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green leafy vegetable. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: no pain - good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: Hello! You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated with it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?! Hello.... cocoa beans.... another vegetable!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!